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Welcome, Guest Mon, Sep/06/2010

Home Education
Help! My Child Does Not Want To Go To School!
Chong Wai Leng
Parents often panic when their child refuses to go to school. At first they try to cajole and even bribe the kid into going to school. But when that doesn¹t work, they resort to threats and warnings. If that doesn¹t work either, they bring the kid to see a psychiatrist. The general belief is that there must be something wrong with the child if the child refuses to go to school, or shows symptoms of stress, depression and even aggression in some cases. So the good doctor would usually prescribe some medication to counter the symptoms like anxiety, migraine or aggressive behaviour. The good parents would try their best to make life bearable for their child so that they continue to go to school and endure what they have to endure there for a good 12 years of their lives. And the good child would continue to suffer daily from anxiety or boredom (whichever category they fall into) until they reach school-leaving age, and for those who have just entered the institution called school, it¹s a long way to go!

So, should parents panic and worry if there is anything wrong with their child when their son or daughter refuses to go to school? Why do parents jump to the conclusion that there is something wrong with their child if they do not want to go to school, instead of finding out if there is anything wrong at school that is usually the cause of the problems in the first place?

Just try to compare the days or years before the kids start formal schooling:

Before starting school After starting school The child has plenty of time to play. There¹s not enough time to do homework!

The child asks questions all the time. The child is to remain quiet in class.

The child is free to pursue his own interest. The child has to follow a fixed schedule.

The child runs and jumps as he likes. The child is confined to his table and chair.

The child looks forward to the next day. The child worries daily about homework.


The transition from a fun and carefree environment to a structured and confined one is drastic and often traumatic for many young children. The fact that there is a growing indication of school-related stress amongst school-going children indicates that formal schooling may in fact be going against the natural development of young children. So the question is not how well should our children cope with school, but rather how well the schools should cater to the children¹s natural needs and development? Having said that, we have to understand that the system is not something that is easily changed and we would be knocking ourselves against a brick wall if we were to attempt to make changes there. Indeed, we ought to look at education in a bigger picture, that is, beyond the conventional schooling that we only know of, but the kind of education that our children would not fear to take on into their lives.

We must understand that there are many ways of doing things in life. If we want to go somewhere, we could walk, or cycle, or ride a bike, or drive or take a cab or hitch a ride or even fly or take a train if it is too far away. So why should there be only ONE way to acquire knowledge or get an education when there are numerous options out there for us to explore and to discover?

So what can parents do if school is found to be the source of anxiety for their children? First of all, do not panic. It is not the end of the world if your child does not go to school. There are many a great personalities who did not go to school but made an impact on the world through their sharp and sensitive minds.

Explore your options. Contrary to what you may think, there ARE options out there for you to pick for your child. If you want to teach your child not to fear the unknown, then you should show by your example by not fearing about what you have yet understood. When knowledge is acquired, fear will inevitably be extinguished. You would not know unless you have tried. Try and try until you succeed in getting the best solution for your child.

Listen to your child. "How can I listen to my child when my child asks me to  quit my job to be with her everyday?" goes the common remark by concerned parents. And my reply is: "Why not?" If you truly want to reach out to your child, you would have to be receptive to the messages that they send us, whether they may be direct or indirect. We must tackle the source of the problems and not just entertain the symptoms. We must tackle the issue wholeheartedly and not be afraid to make drastic changes to our lives if that needs be. Nobody can tell you what to do with your life but your child could give you strong indications if you are sensitive and receptive enough to catch and understand it.

Make the necessary adjustments to your family¹s life. More often than not, problems of school can be resolved with some adjustments to our lives. The problem is, we do not want to give up something in order to gain something. We still want to cling on to the things that provide us comfort and security (a false sense, perhaps?), and to maintain a lifestyle that we are familiar with (but not necessarily uplifting or spiritual). If we explore the deeper the needs of our children, more particularly their emotional needs, we will see that all they want is our understanding and reassurance. And being there  with them when they need us is an important phase of their young lives in their process of learning to be independent.

Parents tend to get confused about what is accepted and what is not when it  comes to their children¹s predicament in school. Is it all right for teachers to reprimand their children? Is it all right to accept all the homework given? Is it all right to let our children suffer emotional turmoi even though we know they do not deserve it? Is it all right to keep our children in school even though they are suffering everyday because of it?

Well, it is not all right if our children are miserable at school because he or she cannot fit into the daily regiment there. It is not all right if our children are not having fun learning and discovering new things everyday. It is not all right if our children have to suppress their true selves to conform to seemingly accepted norms and behaviour set by the school or the teachers. It is not all right to try to change our children so that they could fit in a system.

For our children are individuals to be shaped with love and care so that  they grow up to be sensitive, thoughtful and caring adults who are not madly competitive, greedy or selfish or fearful. If we want to effect a better world, we have to start to treat our young citizens with love, thoughtfulness and respect.

If you think that this amounts to pampering and indulgence, perhaps we could learn from the late Krishnamurti, a well-respected teacher and spiritual leader, who had a great impact on people¹s thinking and spirituality. This is an extract from a compilation of his talks in the book simply titled "On Education":

Krishnamurti on Right Education

"I think it is clear that the pattern which we now cultivate and call education, which is conformity to society, is very very destructive. In its ambitious activities, it is frustrating in the extreme."

."Do you educate the student to conform, to adjust, to fit into the system or do you educate him to comprehend, to see very clearly the whole significance of all that and, at the same time, help him to read and write? If you teach him to read and write within the present system of frustration, then the flowering of the mind is impeded. The question then is, if one drops this competitive education can the mind be educated at all in the ordinary accepted sense of the word? Or does education consist really in taking ourselves and the student away from the social structure of frustration and desire and, at the same time giving him information about mathematics, physics and so on? After all, if the teacher and the student are stripped of all this confusion, what is there to be educated about? All that you can teach the student is how to read and write, how to calculate, design, remember and communicate facts and opinions about facts."

If you see the importance of the boy being free and at the same time highly orderly, and if you see that punishment or cajoling him is not going to produce anything, will you completely drop all that in yourself?

The old method has not produced freedom. It has made man comply and adjust, but if you see that freedom is absolutely necessary and therefore order is essential, these methods which we have used for centuries must drop away."


When I was six, I attended a rather strict kindergarten. I was a rather bright student, I suppose, as I remember receiving prizes for being the best student in certain subjects. But I did not particularly enjoy school because there were constant tests and exams that we had to work for. I remember a particular morning when I feigned sickness because I forgot to learn my spelling of the different colours. But my Mom insisted that I go and when my turn came, I could not spell "blue" and I was sent into The Dark Room ­ it¹s a small room below the school stage where children are punished for not doing what is told. Everyone was terrified of that room and it was said to be haunted. I do not remember how long I sat in there or what it was like, but the fear was unforgettable. Looking back, I think I was a little rebel then as I also got into gang fights with the boys at school during recess, and I stole coins from my parents to buy sweets since all my friends had pocket money to buy them. Of course, I was found out and was severely punished. These are my memories of my kindergarten days. I could not tell my parents how I felt about school because it was a no-no thing to do those days. But things are different now and we should not expect our kids to go through what we went through years ago.

You see, the problem is not with the children. The problem is with us who may not have the time or understanding to really hear what our children are telling us. And the problem is that for the most part, we are afraid to do anything that may appear to go against the long accepted establishment. The solution is quite simple ­ do what is necessary for the best interest of the child.

So, if your child comes home and says that he or she does not want to go to school, instead of panicking, you could say, "Great, dear! Let¹s home-school!"




Comments To This Article:
Overall Rating For This Article: ••••••••••
  • Enriching The Lives Of Children Globally (LFKEONG, 06/11/2009 , Ratings: ••••• )
    INTRODUCTION Our mind operates in the realm of two brain hemispheres, the analytical left and the creative right hemisphere.

    The left hemisphere is described as analytical because it operates in linear and sequential pattern by moving from one point to another in a step-by-step manner. It is most efficient in processing verbal information (language).

    The right hemisphere is the creative section where it seeks and constructs patterns and recognises relationship between separate parts. It does not move linearly but processes simultaneously. It is most efficient at visual and spatial processing.

    In order to mould a child effectively, perhaps parents need to know the following stages of brain development:

    Contrary to common misconception, a child should learn in a relaxed and happy environment instead of ¡®military¡¯ learning style where the coursework is rigid and dull.

    Meanwhile discipline is important but it is not the most effective way to bring out the inborn potential of a child.

    It is important to lay a firm groundwork for a child during pre-school and all the way to secondary education.

    To guide them to the right path in early stages is crucial because in order to correct them later, it will be more difficult and enormous effort is needed.

    To guide them to the right path in early stages is crucial because in order to correct them later, it will be more difficult and enormous effort is needed.

    BC believes that every child can excel in life without having to succumb to stress and a mountain-load of homework.

    COMMON CHALLENGES FACED BY PARENTS TODAY¡­

    Your child is stressed out at school¡­ Your child is not enthusiastic¡­ Poor memory and concentration¡­ Poor social skills and lack of confidence¡­ Confused and not knowing where their inborn talent lies¡­

    While some of these problems are self inflicted, it is also caused by the rigid education system and high social expectation.

    The ultimate aim of BCL is to mould a child with positive mind to conquer fear and to make learning fun. The ideal learning environment should not be stressful but stimulating, exciting and far away from the stress (photos) above.

    GOALS & OBJECTIVES The purpose of BCL is not to teach knowledge but to create a well-balanced child with vast abilities, creativity and to cultivate the habit to use their brain¡¯s potential to achieve:

    The chart below shows the average improvement of a student after attending BCL¡¯s classes for a year.

    ¡°The purpose of education in the future will not be to create people with heads crammed full of knowledge, but to rear children who know how to efficiently use the whole brain. Rearing children with enormous ability, rich creativity and the capability to make use of a high proportion of their brains should be the goal of child rearing.¡± Professor M Shichida (Japan)

    What is balanced-brain Learning method?

    Left Brain People Guided by the left brain, theories suggest that left-brain people respond in sequential, logical ways and this group of people are strong in math and science, and can answer questions quickly.

    ¡°Most people in modern world operate as left-brain people due to the education system in school which focus on left brain training¡­¡±

    Right Brain People On the contrary,right-brain people are dreamers who are led by intuition and creativity. Right brainers think deeply and may have high level of intelligence. Right brainers make great students of arts and social science. Besides being more spontaneous than the conservative left-brainers, right brainers are intuitive and prefer to follow their own gut feelings when it comes to decision making.

    Mid Brained or Balanced-Brain People??? Having to know the characteristic of both hemispheres, one may raise questions such as ¡°Can a person possess the qualities from both hemispheres and operates both effectively instead of being one-hemisphere oriented?¡± At BCL, the answer is ¡°Yes¡±. ¡°Scientists have discovered an important mid zone in human¡¯s brain which is the communication platform of both brain¡¯s hemisphere. However this zone is in its hibernation state in most people¡­¡±

    This mid-zone is a vital link that serves as a ¡®bridge¡¯ to connect the left and right hemispheres. Once it is ¡®awaken from its hibernation¡¯ hence information will exchange more efficiently in between both hemispheres.

    Unlike many children, students of BCL possess qualities from either hemisphere because they benefit from analytical abilities from the left and creativity from the right hemisphere

    THE BENEFITS OF BRAIN-CHILD LEARNING BC is a mind development programme targeted at children between 6 to 15 years of age. It is designed to equip your child with lifelong skills and the right mindset toward learning.

    Every child is unique and every child will excel in different field. Therefore, the 3-way approach is made simple for parents to thoroughly understand the process of:

    Conducted at Mental Fitness Centre, children will go through the followings:

    STEP 1 (DISCOVER Stage) Prior to attending any classes, parents will know the (innate ability of their child through our state-of-the-art myDNA Dermatoglyphics (fingerprints) technology.

    With 95% accuracy, this report will reveal the actual talent and potential of the child.

    Once parents are given this insight into their child, hence they can adopt a more effective approach in grooming their child.

    STEP 2 (UNLEASH Stage) Dubbed as the ¡®key to start the engine¡¯, this 2-Day Workshop is the pre-requisite to all classes.

    It is designed to awaken the hibernating brain of a child (to stimulate the thinking pattern and power of visualisation) It activates the communication platform between the left and right brain (more effective in exchanging information between both brain hemisphere)

    STEP 3 (POLISH Stage) Step 3 consists of many unique modules (24 months) to equip a child with vital foundation in areas of:

    Memory Concentration Analytical Skills Confidence Building Creative Learning Abilities Attitude & Communication Skills Reading & Comprehension Skills

    Once a child¡¯s brain is awakened from hibernation, hence they will be able to grasp any learning method easily and efficiently.

  • It had happened to me! (shilarazlan, 06/25/2003 )
    Dear Wai Leng,

    Having read your article, I was in complete awe. The exact same thing happened to my 2.5 year old son. I send my boy to a very loving, warm and caring babysitter everyday since I work fulltime. But I panicked when she announced that she is expecting another grandchild (from her daughther). This mean that this 50 year old lass has to take care of her daughther in confinement, the new born baby, her own 4 year old granddaugther and my 2.5 year old, active and strong willed boy. Seems to me that is such a big task! So with the tough of not wanting to burden the "makcik" I went on a quest to look for my son's pre-school. I was hoping to send him to pre-school in the morning (since morning is the busiest time of the day for a confinement lady)and let him at the makcik's place in the afternoons. I have been to almost all of the pre-schools in the surrounding area, from the moderately cost to the most expensive (RM800 per month for 3 hour/day). I finally decided to sent my son to what I thought was the best pre-school amongst those I have searched. During my searching, I had prepared my son for school. Almost everyday I told of my search progress; was the school nice, were there lots of friends, etc. Even when I was already decided on which school to send him, I sort of involve him in the decision making and made it seems like it was his idea (of which school he likes). He was pretty excited on the first day. he woke up very early, had his shower and proudly wore his new, crisp uniform. When I drop him off, I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him and he confidently answered (in Malay) "That's okay Ummi. You go on to work. I'll be allright" Didn't want to show that I doubt his confidence, I left with a very heavy heart. I still remember how restles I was throughout that day. I couldn't anything right at the office, worrying about my son. How's he coping? Is he happy? Am I making the right decision for him? An hour before I'm supposed to pick him up, I just learned there were 6 missed calls on my handy. I panicked when I saw it was ALL from the principal? What happened? Did he get in trouble? When I finally reached the principal by phone she told me that my son was crying pretty bad. She went on and say that is normal for all new children and that I shouldn't be worried. I hurriedly went back to pick up my son. At the front door, one of the teachers was carrying a boy, seems so unspirited and sad. I told myself...poor boy. Suddenly the teacher handed him over to me..I nearly fainted when I learned it was my Amirul! Never in his entire life I see him so down and lifeless! He was completely not himself. Instead of elaborating what exactly happen to my poor child, the teacher were babbling about Amirul had finished all his milk and rice. I don't give a d**n about the food! I need to know what have you done that made him so sad and not in high spirit? When I hold Amirul, he smiled and proudly said "Ummi, I had a good time at school". As his mother, I can tell very well that he was lying and that he was faking his smile. I shutter when I thought that this was all my fault. I was putting so high of expectation that he had to lie to impress me. During the trip home, I didn't want to interogate him with questions and I don't want him to re-live the whole trauma. I decided to give him space and time and hopefully when he's ready, he will confide and tell me what's wrong. The next day, I woke him up early again reminding that he needs to go to school. He made some excuse and refuse to wake up. I calmly told him "Obviously there's something about the school that is bothering you. How about if I take the day off today and join you. That way I can see for myself what is wrong with your school. Would that we allright?". He happily agreed with my suggestion and off we went. After spending the half day at school with my son, I ended up being even more miserable than he was, I think. Too bad I was too ashamed to cry. I felt like screaming at the top of my lung "This is NOT the way you treat children!!! For God's sake please LOVE the children" The following day I decided to not to send my son there. My son happily agreed and told me to look for another school whose teachers are more friendlier.

    What happend, one might ask. What was so bad about the school? Here I quote again, your article because these are the exact thing happened and dampen my boy's spirit:

    My child asks questions all the time. At school, he is to remain quiet in class.

    My child is free to pursue his own interest. At school, my child has to follow a fixed schedule.

    My child runs and jumps as he likes. At school, my child is confined to his table and chair (most of the time, doing nothing).

    My child always looks forward to the next day, as he normaly has plans. With schooling, he simply refuse to even wake up.

    No doubt, I had to spend endless hours explaining to the principal why I think her school is not the best for a child. I kept on telling her "Throughout the duration I was at your school; I couldn't help but feeling pity for the children and their parents". I bet none of the parents have given such feedbak before!

    I am so glad that I was gifted with the ability to really "listen" to my child especially when he is really "telling" me that something is wrong. And instead of expecting him to comform to the school, I went out to investigate and try to see things through a child's propective. Had I not done all these, my Amirul would still trying to make excuse not to go to school and perhaps I might have diminished his high spirit and enthusiasm on life all together despite my kind intention.

    Thanks for sharing, Shila

  • This book may help. (concerned, 04/07/2002 )
    "The Teenage Liberation Handbook : How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education" by Grace Llewellyn may give you an insight into why it is no problem for your child not to go to school.

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Composed: 03/25/2002 | Modified: 08/13/2002
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